diff --git a/db_functions.php b/db_functions.php
index 611705c..ab50072 100644
--- a/db_functions.php
+++ b/db_functions.php
@@ -25,90 +25,90 @@
 
 class Db
 {
+    private static function connect()
+    {
+        $cb_mysql = mysqli_connect(
+            'p:' . Config::$cb_mysql_host,
+            Config::$cb_mysql_user,
+            Config::$cb_mysql_pass,
+            Config::$cb_mysql_db,
+            Config::$cb_mysql_port
+        );
+        if (!$cb_mysql) {
+            Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_connection_failures_total');
+            die('cb mysql error: ' . mysqli_connect_error());
+        }
+        mysqli_select_db($cb_mysql, Config::$cb_mysql_db);
+        return $cb_mysql;
+    }
+
+    private static function runQuery($cb_mysql, string $identifier, string $context, string $sql)
+    {
+        global $logger;
+        try {
+            return mysqli_query($cb_mysql, $sql);
+        } catch (mysqli_sql_exception $e) {
+            $logger->error("$identifier query returned an error for $context: " . $e->getMessage());
+            Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', [$identifier]);
+            return false;
+        }
+    }
+
     // Returns the edit id for the vandalism
     public static function detectedVandalism($user, $title, $heuristic, $reason, $url, $old_rev_id, $rev_id)
     {
-        global $logger;
-        checkMySQL();
+        $cb_mysql = self::connect();
         $query = 'INSERT INTO `vandalism` ' .
             '(`id`,`user`,`article`,`heuristic`,`reason`,`diff`,`old_id`,`new_id`,`reverted`) ' .
             'VALUES ' .
-            '(NULL,\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $user) . '\',' .
-            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $title) . '\',' .
-            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $heuristic) . '\',' .
-            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $reason) . '\',' .
-            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $url) . '\',' .
-            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $old_rev_id) . '\',' .
-            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $rev_id) . '\',0)';
-        try {
-            if (!mysqli_query(Globals::$cb_mysql, $query)) {
-                Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['vandalism_insert']);
-            }
-        } catch (mysqli_sql_exception $e) {
-            $logger->error("vandalism insert query returned an error for " . $title . ": " . $e->getMessage());
-            Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['vandalism_insert']);
-        }
+            '(NULL,\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $user) . '\',' .
+            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $title) . '\',' .
+            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $heuristic) . '\',' .
+            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $reason) . '\',' .
+            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $url) . '\',' .
+            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $old_rev_id) . '\',' .
+            '\'' . mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $rev_id) . '\',0)';
+        self::runQuery($cb_mysql, 'vandalism_insert', $title, $query);
 
-        return mysqli_insert_id(Globals::$cb_mysql);
+        $edit_id = mysqli_insert_id($cb_mysql);
+        mysqli_close($cb_mysql);
+        return $edit_id;
     }
 
     // Returns nothing
     public static function vandalismReverted($edit_id)
     {
-        global $logger;
-        checkMySQL();
-        try {
-            if (
-                !mysqli_query(
-                    Globals::$cb_mysql,
-                    'UPDATE `vandalism` SET `reverted` = 1 WHERE `id` = \'' .
-                    mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $edit_id) . '\''
-                )
-            ) {
-                Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['vandalism_update_reverted']);
-            }
-        } catch (mysqli_sql_exception $e) {
-            $logger->error("vandalism update (reverted) query returned an error for " . $edit_id .
-                              ": " . $e->getMessage());
-            Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['vandalism_update_reverted']);
-        }
+        $cb_mysql = self::connect();
+        self::runQuery(
+            $cb_mysql,
+            'vandalism_update_reverted',
+            $edit_id,
+            'UPDATE `vandalism` SET `reverted` = 1 WHERE `id` = \'' .
+            mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $edit_id) . '\''
+        );
+        mysqli_close($cb_mysql);
     }
 
     // Returns nothing
     public static function vandalismRevertBeaten($edit_id, $title, $user, $diff)
     {
-        global $logger;
-        checkMySQL();
-        try {
-            if (
-                !mysqli_query(
-                    Globals::$cb_mysql,
-                    'UPDATE `vandalism` SET `reverted` = 0 WHERE `id` = \'' .
-                    mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $edit_id) . '\''
-                )
-            ) {
-                Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['vandalism_update_beaten']);
-            }
-        } catch (mysqli_sql_exception $e) {
-            $logger->error("vandalism update (beaten) query returned an error for " . $edit_id .
-                              ": " . $e->getMessage());
-            Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['vandalism_update_beaten']);
-        }
-        try {
-            if (
-                !mysqli_query(
-                    Globals::$cb_mysql,
-                    'INSERT INTO `beaten` (`id`,`article`,`diff`,`user`) VALUES (NULL,\'' .
-                    mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $title) . '\',\'' .
-                    mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $diff) . '\',\'' .
-                    mysqli_real_escape_string(Globals::$cb_mysql, $user) . '\')'
-                )
-            ) {
-                Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['beaten_insert']);
-            }
-        } catch (mysqli_sql_exception $e) {
-            $logger->error("beaten insert query returned an error for " . $title . ": " . $e->getMessage());
-            Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_query_failures_total', ['beaten_insert']);
-        }
+        $cb_mysql = self::connect();
+        self::runQuery(
+            $cb_mysql,
+            'vandalism_update_beaten',
+            $edit_id,
+            'UPDATE `vandalism` SET `reverted` = 0 WHERE `id` = \'' .
+            mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $edit_id) . '\''
+        );
+        self::runQuery(
+            $cb_mysql,
+            'beaten_insert',
+            $title,
+            'INSERT INTO `beaten` (`id`,`article`,`diff`,`user`) VALUES (NULL,\'' .
+            mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $title) . '\',\'' .
+            mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $diff) . '\',\'' .
+            mysqli_real_escape_string($cb_mysql, $user) . '\')'
+        );
+        mysqli_close($cb_mysql);
     }
 }
diff --git a/globals.php b/globals.php
index 59ba0dc..908af79 100644
--- a/globals.php
+++ b/globals.php
@@ -27,7 +27,6 @@ class Globals
     public static $tfas;
     public static $tfa;
     public static $aoptin;
-    public static $cb_mysql;
     public static $run;
     public static $wl = [];
     public static $optin;
diff --git a/mysql_functions.php b/mysql_functions.php
index 023c5c9..24fb78c 100644
--- a/mysql_functions.php
+++ b/mysql_functions.php
@@ -22,33 +22,6 @@
  * You should have received a copy of the GNU General Public License
  * along with ClueBot NG.  If not, see <http://www.gnu.org/licenses/>.
  */
-function is_mysql_alive($con)
-{
-    try {
-        return @mysqli_query($con, 'SELECT LAST_INSERT_ID()');
-    } catch (mysqli_sql_exception $e) {
-        return false;
-    }
-}
-
-function checkMySQL()
-{
-    if (!Globals::$cb_mysql || !is_mysql_alive(Globals::$cb_mysql)) {
-        Globals::$cb_mysql = mysqli_connect(
-            'p:' . Config::$cb_mysql_host,
-            Config::$cb_mysql_user,
-            Config::$cb_mysql_pass,
-            Config::$cb_mysql_db,
-            Config::$cb_mysql_port
-        );
-        if (!Globals::$cb_mysql) {
-            Metrics::increment('bot_mysql_cb_connection_failures_total');
-            die('cb mysql error: ' . mysqli_connect_error());
-        }
-        mysqli_select_db(Globals::$cb_mysql, Config::$cb_mysql_db);
-    }
-}
-
 function connect_to_mysql($exclude_users = [])
 {
     global $logger;